Hey, Kel. Popcorn ready?
I don't know. How do you know when it's done?
When it's as big as Mom's hair, it's done.
Nope.
It's Mom.
I just love movie night.
It's a chance for us all to be together.
Except for the fact that Mom and Dad are too cheap to take us.
So they go and then tell us about it.
Who wants to hear about the movie?
It's starting. It's starting.
I guess no one's gonna have to yell, "Head down in front" to you, huh, Bud?
Like anyone's seen your head in a movie in 10 years.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You know what it means.
Now, now, kids.
No fighting on movie night or I'm not gonna tell you the movie.
That's better.
Okay, first the lights come down.
Then your father stumbles over everybody, spilling Cokes.
Then comes on a commercial for some newspaper.
And a plea for the environment.
- Oh, save the children. - Poor Earth.
Who cares.
And now, our feature presentation:
A Few Good Men.
Well, in the beginning, Nicholson is really tough and everything...
...but then 90 minutes later, he gives up. For no apparent reason.
The end.
Wow. What a great movie, Mom.
Just a little too long for me.
No military hooters, Dad?
I don't like starched hooters, and I didn't spill Cokes...
...and I see no reason to go on living.
Daddy's in a mood.
The cashier at the movie theatre thought he was 65.
Well, the cashier wouldn't have thought it if you hadn't said it, Peg.
Well, I had to, Al.
They raised the price of tickets to $7 and we didn't have enough money.
So then I saw a sign, it said, "Half price for senior citizens."
So I called Daddy, "Daddy."
You know what upsets me, is that the cashier didn't ask for my license.
She didn't even want any ID or any proof.
She just believed I was 65.
Well, what did you expect, honey?
She saw a stooped-over prune of a man with a young dynamite chick.
Hey, who were you standing next to, Dad?
The Red Reaper.
Kids, I don't really look old, do I?
- Well... - Let's check this out.
Oh, hey, Bud, you gotta jiggle his teeth.
Hey, I see a white one.
No, no, that's... That's cheese.
I know the sure test. Old men have no heinies.
There's proof positive. Well...
Well, look at that round little apple.
Cool, Dad.
Look at his pants. They just go straight down.
Where do old guys' heinies go?
To that strange, far-off, magical place called their bellies.
Hope I never lose my butt.
You wouldn't lose your butt in prison.
Gee, I hope I live to see you at 30.
Or should I say...
...30.
Hi.
Hi there.
Jefferson and I could use a little help.
We were watching this old movie on TV...
...with this really great old actor, but neither of us could think of his name.
So we decided to ask someone from an older generation.
Al, In Holiday, who played Cary Grant's best friend?
How would I know, I'm not old. It's Edward Everett Horton...
...and if you say "Who's he?" you know damn well I'll tell your real age.
Al, I wouldn't say anything to embarrass you.
He got into the movies as a senior citizen.
They thought he was 65.
Really? I thought he was 70.
You must mean IQ.
Well, then, yes, he's definitely 65.
Come on, now, Al isn't 65.
He just looks 65.
Now, you wanna see a great looking 65-year-old...
...you come knocking on my door in 40 years.
Oh, but don't come barging in...
...because I'm gonna be in there with some young chick.
Thank you, honey.
Will you still be living there with us?
The question is, will you still be living?
Peggy, you're so lucky.
Though yours is about as desirable as Shredded Wheat without the milk...
...at least he's cheap to keep.
Al, why don't you go out and get yourself...
...one of those senior citizen discount cards?
Why, you could use the card to have a nice "In by 2 P.M...
...out by 2:30" supper at Denny's.
No kidding?
That's pretty good because anything I eat by 2 is out by 2:30 anyway.
Hey, where can I get one of them cards?
Well, city hall. But, Al, you can't seriously do this.
It would be dishonest. It would be cheating.
Oh, right, I couldn't do anything like that.
I'm gonna get me one of them cards right now.
I'll use my senior movie pass as ID. Oh, but...
...if I'm gonna fool people to thinking I'm old...
...I'll have to figure a way to cover up my sexuality.
What about one of those little round Band-Aids, Al?
She's 60. There, I told.
I'm gonna get you. You better not be saying things like that...
Mom, I'm a little worried about Dad.
I mean, for a change, he's gone overboard.
Since his senior discount card, he's mailing away for anything they offer.
I think there's something different about him, but you be the judge.
Family, look what I got for 42 cents.
If it wasn't for my senior discount card...
...this ensemble would have been in excess of $3.
Honey, not that we're not gonna discuss your suit...
...but let's begin where most things end. Your head.
The Grecian Formula, huh? Yeah.
I shampooed it in a little at a time...
...for gradual change, and now no one knows it's not really my color.
Yeah, Dad, it... It looks real natural.
I really think I did a nice job. I put it in myself.
See.
I shampooed it in, and voilą.
A new man. God, I'm cool, and the chicks are loving it.
Can you imagine what it's like to walk into a bingo parlor...
...hitch up your white belt...
...and know you can have any woman in there?
Peg, by the way, I won't be home Friday.
Sadie Blondstein's making a nice brisket.
The only drawback is I find myself talking to myself.
No, you don't. Yes, I do. Why not? You're charming.
Hey, brisket on Friday. No kidding?
So let me know if you catch me doing it.
Well, kids, can I get a "Whoa, asylum"?
Hey, let's see what we got in the mail.
Hey...
I've been invited to compete in the Chicago Area Athletic Championships.
Well, can't turn this down.
So scare the big spider off the mantel, because there's a new trophy coming.
Nothing can stop me now.
Except getting it in the cup during drug testing.
- Dad, did you read this? - Sure.
It says, "See you at the championships."
It says, "Senior Championships."
This is for people over 65.
Perhaps your hair was leaking into your eyes.
Honey, you know, that's 10 events in two days.
You can't even handle one event in two minutes.
Mom's 80.
Hey, Mom, when did you start going through, you know, mental-pause?
Right after I had you, honey.
Dad, you can't possibly beat these old guys.
They're in great shape.
For once in your life, quit while you're still behind.
- So you don't think I can win, eh? - Oh, Daddy, I think you can win.
I made a joke.
That was good.
So an old woman, a gnome and a dullard don't think I can win.
- No. - No, we actually don't.
Well, I can, and I will win these championships.
Bring me your tired, your old, your wrinkled...
...old masses yearning to ride the bus for free.
Bring them all on.
Your 70-year-olds, your 80-year-olds, your 90-year-olds.
Bring them in their canes and walkers and wheelchairs. I'll bury them all.
Because that's the kind of man your daddy is.
Good boy.
Well, at least now I can say I've been to a Dead concert.
Get your Maalox, red-hot suppositories...
...stewed prunes, already-chewed food.
Get on your marks.
Get set.
What?
Daddy's losing.
Well, be specific. His hair, his teeth, the race? What?
And Bundy is fifth.
Hey, Mom, was Dad ever any good?
He talks about it all the time, but was he ever really a great athlete?
Well, actually, kids, he was really something.
I remember one play in particular.
Everybody thought Daddy was really boxed in.
So he threw a fake, broke four tackles...
...straight-armed a guy right in the teeth and ran for daylight.
It was the best run I'd ever seen.
He'd still be running if my uncle hadn't clubbed him...
...with the butt of his shotgun and dragged him back to the wedding.
So, in answer to your question:
Yes, he was a great athlete, but no, he was never any good.
Forty-seven feet. Next up, Al Bundy.
Six inches.
Measure it again!
Next up at the pole vault, Al Bundy makes his jump.
Get up, Al. Get up.
This had better not be Sadie the brisket woman.
It's not. Sadie don't have no cat.
Oh, God, I hurt.
Honey. You should be pretty proud.
After one full day's events, with men who, in some cases...
...are twice your age, you're in 15th place.
Look on the bright side, Daddy.
You are the 15th best elderly athlete in the entire Chicago area.
Yeah, Dad, we're all proud the way you nailed that cat.
I took him out pretty good, didn't I?
You sure did, killer.
Why don't we cut the charade, Dad.
You know, we don't ask for much.
Just once, why don't you dig deep and show us the man you really are?
Make us proud, big guy.
Quit.
- You'll always have the cat. - Yeah, I guess I can't top that.
All right, I quit.
Can't beat those guys, anyway, they got the edge on me.
Most of their wives are dead.
You know, Peg, if you loved me, you'd be dead already too.
Yeah, if.
All right, but understand this:
I was a cinch to win that thing.
We know you were, Dad.
Yeah, Dad, you can do anything.
I made another joke.
Al, you could really use some encouragement, couldn't you?
Yes, Peg, I could.
Good night, honey.
It didn't always used to be like this.
All right, boys. We're down three touchdowns...
...we don't have a chance, so let's quit.
Quit? Sorry, coach, but I'm taking over now.
Okay, you guys, you give me the ball and get out of my way.
Al Bundy doesn't quit.
Peg, wake up!
Oh, no, Al.
Are you reliving when you slapped the coach and took over the team?
Peg, shut up.
Kids, get in here!
I have made a decision.
I am going back to the competition tomorrow...
...and I want you there, and I want you cheering.
And this time I want you cheering for me.
Al Bundy is not a quitter.
Now get out.
No, not you.
This used to be my event too, baby.
Well, kids, he proved it to me last night...
...and I want the whole world to know:
Your father is a quitter.
Of course, he thinks he did good.
Probably because I screamed "Al" when he jabbed his elbow into my eye.
- How am I doing? - Oh, honey, I can't believe it.
You're in second place.
Now there's one more event. The 1500-meter race.
Win that, and you take it all.
Al, we are so proud of you.
You're beating all the old men.
Beating them?
I'm killing them.
Well, it looks like it's gonna be a duel between you and me.
It's gonna be rough.
I'm a long-distance man, but I'm gonna win this event and take that gold.
Means a lot to me.
So much, I actually considered competing before I was 65...
...just to get an edge.
Pathetic, huh?
Well, what kind of an example would that be for the grandkids.
So I trained for a whole year.
And I'm gonna win it fair and square.
Good luck, honey. You're gonna need it against that guy.
Do you think so?
Yeah, sure, he does a lot of running...
...but stamina's my strong point.
Well, no, not with you.
With you, stamina's a bad thing. It prolongs the agony.
I'm talking about something that excites a man. Sports.
But you know, winning means an awful lot to that old guy.
So, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna run the race until I know I got it won.
Then I'm gonna slow up and let him win because...
...I'd have to be pretty pathetic to want glory bad enough...
...to cheat an old man out of a victory he's dreamed of for years.
See you at the finish line, baby.
And if history has taught us anything...
...you'll be asleep by the time I get there.
Runners in the 1500, take your marks.
- What? What? - Get set.
What? What?
The hell with him. That trophy's mine!
It's only cheating if you get caught.